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F*ggot As Gender Identity, Detransition As A Form Of Suicide.

28 Sep faggot detransition gender dysphoria

“I shall never forget the unspeakable horror that froze the lymph in my glands when the baneful word seared my reeling brain – I was a homosexual. I thought of the painted, simpering female impersonators I had seen in a Baltimore nightclub. Could it be possible I was one of those subhuman things? I walked the streets in a daze, like a man with a light concussion. I would have destroyed myself but a wise old queen; Bobo, we called her, taught me that I had a duty to live and to bear my burden proudly for all to see.” – William Burroughs

detransition gender dysphoria

I’ve brought it up a few times, but I grew up Assemblies Of God and went Southern Baptist at 12 because they were more liberal. I’m not even building up to a joke here. In any case, attending huge tent revivals was a common occurrence throughout my entire childhood and adolescence. You’d be lectured for an hour and then people would stand in line for several more hours to repent, to publicly beat at their chest and renounce all their sins and reaffirm their devotion to God or whatever.

Watch enough of them and you’d see repeat performers… folks that had suddenly hit a brand new rock bottom of fornication and decadence or whatever and would be up front with the others, beating their chest and confessing to increasingly absurd transgressions against their fellow man.

This is relevant probably.

Anyway, you waste enough time on the transgender corner of the internet and eventually you start stumbling across detransition blogs. They’re always anonymous, declaring an unnamed dread of being discovered by this shapeless mob of “trans activists” out to ruin their lives for telling “the truth.” There’s this flair for the dramatic amongst the conspiracies and the increasingly absurd confessions of transgressions; this idea that the curtain is being drawn on “what the trans activists don’t want you to hear.”

detransition gender dysphoria

What they all have in common is an assurance that they know what they are now. Many claim to be gay men, but others actually claim to have discovered with horror that they were autogynephiles the whole time. Seriously. I personally know at least half a dozen funny, sweet and brilliant trans women that have all killed themselves this year before they’d barely started their twenties and yet some pathetic porn-sick creatures can read the documentation on what autogynephilia is, decide “well hot damn that totally describes me” and somehow not feel inspired to stick their head in the oven.

This is why I know there is no God.

I any case, I don’t claim to know shit. I don’t have any answer as to who or what I am and am not really sure there is such an answer. I don’t “identify as a woman”, whatever that means, but have experience a lifelong disassociation and revulsion towards being socially processed through “manhood.” This has meant quite a few different things in my life, mostly because I had no language to describe or understand it.

rani bakerAnd I’ve been dealing with this for decades.

The thing is, I wasn’t really processed through “manhood”, at least not in the sense of being socialized like a heteronormative hegemonic man (as if there was such a thing in a universal sense). From a very young age I was coded by society as a “faggot,” and my socialization was filtered through that coding. I was groomed towards appeasement and subservience to men and coded as deserving of violence and marginalization without resource for complaint. I was groomed to desire approval from and to appeal towards masculine idealizations, while also being held at arms length from any chance of owning them.

I’ve been a eunuch my whole life, regardless of whether I had balls. Faggot was my “gender identity”.

detransition gender dysphoriaReminder that “TERF is a slur” but faggot is a radfem-endorsed social identity.

Anyway, a little over a decade ago, I was coerced into detransition by my radical feminist-devoted boyfriend at the time. He was my second (and second longest) relationship I’ve ever had. I loved him like crazy; hell, I still do. He was brilliant and wordly and passionate, had impeccable music and artistic taste, and he fucked like a goddamn howitzer.

True story: the first time we fucked, it was to the Mindless Self-Indulgence Song “Faggot“.

detransition gender dysphoriaI have no pics of us then, so here’s one from 2006. Yes I’m still friends with him.

But he was also a verbally abusive alcoholic that used to tell me shit like “you’re not a woman; you’re a guy that I fuck in the ass and I wish you’d just accept that.” I wrote about it in my comic, but have never until now included the last page online because it was too painful:

detransition gender dysphoria

detransition gender dysphoria

Where was the Trans Cabal during all this? The one that is supposedly out there pressuring all the gender non-conforming people to transition? Oh right, they were too busy not existing.

detransition gender dysphoriawell, besides existing in the imaginations of transphobic gaybros

But how did I get to that point anyway? Well, nobody gives a shit about tired old stories of pre-teen crossdressing and childhood dreams of being able to break my dick off like a pencil so I could stop fretting about it or whatever. Stories of shoplifting lipstick and a hollowed out teddy bear full of stockings and skirts. Boring shit that folks always trot out their own variation of. Nobody cares.

I feel it’s worth repeating however that literally the first thing I bought with my own money (earned from my job in the dorm cafeteria) when I’d moved away from family to go to college was a (truly hideous) dress and some (appallingly cheap) makeup.

detransition gender dysphoriaNo pic of that either, so here’s me at legendary punk club Einsteins in 1995.

I didn’t really have the language to understand what the hell was going on tho. “Transgender” wasn’t really a word I had back then, and I don’t recall whether I’d used “transsexual” either. In college I’d read “Transsexual Empire” and it’s spiritual sister book “The Pink Swastika” and similar anti-gay books, seemingly most from the 80s. This was literally the only literature on the subject available in a college library in the 1990s. So I became one of those late-90s internet-addicted transsexuals one reads about. Still have my copy of Creating A Feminine Carriage and Melanie Speaks circa-1999 to prove it.

detransition gender dysphoriaSays a lot that I held onto both through a decade of detransition, really.

Back then I still had no idea how to, like, be trans tho. I was a semi-professional drag queen, which gave me a place to explore presentation and also offered me a place to meet men that could potentially find me desirable. I ordered crap fake hormones from crossdresser magazines to bolster the hardcore hormones I was buying from drag queens that smuggled them up from Mexico.

detransition gender dysphoriaMe at infamous Killeen drag bar Krossover, circa 2000-ish

But, like, I knew I was something different than a drag queen, but what? I attended transsexual support meetings full of sneering old ladies sitting bolt upright with their purses in their laps. Women that wrinkled their noses at my leather jacket and Walgreens lipstick, called me “drag queen” and “misguided faggot” behind my back. Hell I didn’t even know if I “wanted to be a woman,” whatever that meant. For the majority of my transition, I only knew one other trans woman that didn’t despise me. And because my life is a fucking disaster, I wound up dating her after detransition.

detransition gender dysphoriaEven more awkward, now she’s a guy again and thinks I’m disgusting.

To add further insult to injury, I had met an actual relatively famous trans activist (Ann Tagonist) shortly before my detransition, and she couldn’t help me. She actually recognized me from my tattoos related to my gender-angst comic Why I’m Not An Artist, which she’d read at a zine library in Portland. We were pen pals for about a year then lost contact anti-climatically. The universe loves to fuck with me.

I remember someone asking me, after hearing about my detransition, “So you pursued a sex change and gave up; what does that make you now?”. Honestly, I had no clue.

After detransition I figured if I had to be a guy, I might as well have some fun with it. I embraced absurd, flamboyant male dressings; arrow collars and exotic suit jackets and such. My gender identity was Nikki Sixx from Motley Crue.

detransition gender dysphoria

I figured folks that had known me for so long would have gotten the joke; this over-the-top expression of rock star masculine swagger I’d suddenly adopted. Nobody got the joke. Hell, after long enough, I’d lost the plot so much I wasn’t getting it either.

A funny thing about being a dude when you don’t want to be; you can deliberately kill yourself slowly in front of everyone and get cheered on for it. You can drink to the point where your skin is flushed from puking and pick up another drink while sobbing about your childhood and everyone just pats you on the back and is like “wow that dude is a party animal.”

If you’re charming and funny enough, nobody questions your judgement.

I’ve had dudes tell me how “dramatic” I became post-transition, and it’s like “wait, you fucking saw me smash a whiskey bottle and cut myself in public once because I was sad when I was a guy”.

faggot detransition gender dysphoriayeah this dude had it all together and wasn’t literally imploding in on himself

Detransition was the worst fucking thing that ever happened to me. I regret it every day; dwelling on how I already knew things about myself and worked on them and then gave up. I was a coward and a failure and pathetic for doing it.

And yet going back to that misery is constantly advocated to me and folks like me.

detransition gender dysphoria“you’re not a woman; you’re a guy that I fuck in the ass…”

Let’s not fucking pretend what people really mean when the push for this is “hurry the fuck up and die and get out of my way”. Because that is what detransitioning again would do to me. And I guess the universe isn’t done fucking with me yet.

Transphobic Congressional Wikipedia Vandal Also Obsessed With Alex Jones And Choco Tacos

11 Sep

transplanetchocotaco1This message not necessarily endorsed by Choco Taco Jesus.

Over the summer, anonymous accounts with IP addresses traced to the U.S. House Of Representatives have been vandalizing Wikipedia pages. Apparently this has been an issue for a while, according to this statement from Wikipedia itself on the subject in 2009. It’s reached a point where Wikipedia once again had to block Cogressional IPs from posting.

This in and of itself is so Crazytown it’s singing awful rap metal about butterflies, but it gets weirder.

See, most of the vandalism as of late has been regarding transgender related articles. And some of it sounds strangely… focused. Arguments about phrasing on articles about Chelsea Manning and Laverne Cox and the show Orange Is The New Black make sense because they are high-profile mainstream topics. But like, how many people that aren’t trans women or people that are deliberately antagonistic towards trans women even know what Camp Trans is? There was also some calculated attempts to insert misleading and false links between gender dysphoria and body dysmorphic disorder (a particular pet peeve of mine), insistence on referencing that godawful Gavin McInnes article everywhere, as well as complete gibberish about “species disorder” which is pretty much par for the course from the kind of folks that think Gender Hurts makes some good points.

transgenderism1No, it really doesn’t.

And yet it gets weirder.

The spree of vandalism came to a head with the anonymous Congressional staffer insisting they were there on “official business” of an unnamed Representative. They insisted the necessity of their mission to counter support for ENDA and rabid conspiracy theories about “the EU using neocolonialist methods to impose transgenderism on the nation of Georgia” (an obvious reference to response to a Georgia prison’s refusal of access of healthcare to a trans woman inmate). Thankfully they were finally just banned.

chocotaco2In the snarkiest fucking way possible.

But like, besides the “gender critical” stuff, the address contributed to all sorts of right-wing conspiracy crank stuff: Skull And Bones Society, Black Helicopters, UFO sightingsJFK assassination, Bohemian Grove, Alex Jones, David Icke, ad nauseum as well as absurd non-sequitor stuff about Bon Jovi and Choco Tacos. And like, I’m the last person to be all like “why are my tax dollars going to this”, but why exactly are my tax dollars going to this?

I mean shit, I can’t even log on Facebook at work without getting fired and some rabid conspiracy crank TERF hopped up on Choco Tacos thinks they can take over Wikipedia?

DO. YOUR. ACTUAL. FUCKING. JOB.

Trans-Thermidorian Reaction: The Old-Guard Has Gone Full #TERF

1 Aug

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So here we are, in the throes of the burgeoning so-called “Transgender Tipping Point” or whatever, and Andrea James is riding in like Merlin de Theonville to say we’ve gone too far, carrying the guillotine-severed head of RuPaul (who I guess is Georges Danton) wedged tightly between her buttcheeks. Playing the part of Robespierre is, um, Jennifer Boylan? GLAAD?

Fuck I dunno. Momma didn’t raise me to write gender-bent historical fan fiction.

Anyway, last week Andrea James decided the best way to use her social platform as a trans activist was to compose new hit-piece du jour in Queerty (which I’m not linking to) claiming that trans women have *too much* representation. Um, ok. The piece was a bunch of tedious hand wringing pretending to be concerned about fair representation when in reality, any pretense of said concern is complete bullshit. It’s hard to take seriously a piece that argues that a non-trans heterosexual has more right to be involved in queer matters than queer folks.

But really, this sort of invective from Andrea James is unsurprising to anyone paying attention. I’ve been counting down for months til the day James splits open along her surgery seams, releasing hundreds of freshly-Naired TERFspiders afflicted with Harry Benjamin Syndrome spilling out everywhere… all of them screaming about how they are the “truest trans”, Highlander-style, if Highlander was directed by Don Coscarelli.

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And as you’d imagine the cooperation of TERFs with violent trans activists with a history of abuse like James, the finer details come out in the wash.

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So, a few months ago I signed a thing (which also resulted in the first time my name appeared in a Huffington Post article). Shortly afterwards all sorts of accusations came about what kind of person I must be for agreeing that Calpernia Adams and Andrea James are genuinely awful people (which I learned later was at least the second time such a thing was written). Everything from “newly minted queer” to (hilarious) accusations of homophobia and resentment of the drag community to being flat out called an autogynephile.thermidor14thermidor15 And it’s like, you got your backwards-ass pop radphlegm psychology flipped if you think I’m an autogynephile. By their standards, I’m one of those sad gay dudes that can’t hack it, having my fabulous faggotness medicalized out of me by evil Big Pharma. Hell, most actual TERFs pick this up pretty quick:

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A BLOO BLOO BLOO I’m contributing to the erasure of gender-non-conforming and gay men through transition by my assimilation into mainstream society as a Satan-worshipping anarchist trans woman noise musician-

thermidor2a wait what now?

Really; I’m pretty much the opposite of the caricature they present. I rarely use trigger warnings on my writing, I occasionally call myself a “f*ggot” and even sometimes “tr*nny” (tho anyone calling me that is welcome to GTFO of my life), and I enjoy all sorts of problematic entertainment (that I have the presence of mind to enjoy critically). I’ve been around gendering so long I still have copies of Melanie Speaks and Creating A Feminine Carriage that are nearly two decades old to show for it. It’s pretty safe to say that I still have a good relationship with the drag community (despite different perspectives). I’m pretty much the kind of person James and Adams are pretending to represent, but fuck that because a decade and a half ago women like them were sneering at me and calling me a “drag queen” like it was the worst thing in the world to be.

All because I have a different opinion than them on the “tr*nny debate”. Seriously. I swear to fuck all these lumbering old dinosaurs seem to think the most pressing civil rights issue the trans community faces is making sure people that aren’t trans can use that word.

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A little over two years ago, Cristan Williams declared the Death Of The Trans Separatist Movement, which may have been a bit premature considering the turn things are going. Hell, here in Portland the “New Narratives” cult (hey yeah I’m not linking to that either) is forming and spreading across social media. It was founded by Tumblr quislings GenderMinefield and SnowflakeEspecial, and apparently their first meeting drew a whopping eight people, which doesn’t sound like much until each of them create eight sock-puppet Twitter profiles to rhetorically fellate each other with.

Which is great because what we really need out there to prevent male violence is more self-righteous frothing trans women high on TERF Kool-Aid

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And of course this wouldn’t be a proper document of gross old problematic has-beens without bringing up the racist-ass Cummings couple… they of the *thousands* of completely inept looking Blogspot blogs:

hamonyouIncluding “Ham On You”, which I assume is some really-gross porn site

Recently they had a certain someone on their show

thermidor17the Comic Sans is such a perfect touch I can’t even

And here’s the part where you’d expect me to blah blah blah about giving a platform or whatever, but nah. These two are perfect together. As long as the rhetoric isn’t aimed at someone I care about, the only thing that bothers me about her doing her gender-crit song and dance is that it’s distracting from time she could be making more karaoke videos. I mean, I’m by no means a fan of the movement,

gendercrit12like, at all…

…but the fact that this exists is actually pretty amazing in it’s own way. But that could just be because I’m actually a terrible person that enjoys ridiculous social train wrecks.

I didn’t make it more than halfway through the video, however. Even my “transgender male masochism” has limits, apparently. Hell, I almost didn’t make it through the intro because Mark Angelo Cummings is literally the worst musician ever. His music sounds like Nickelback having sex with Nickelback on a pile of Nickelback Albums with Nickelback playing in the background. Painful.

The interview opens with one of her mean-spirited “parody” videos, mocking a certain teenage transfeminine person’s vlog. Mark immediately chimes in that he watches it all the time, laughing. So we’re already off to a marvelous start; with three grown-ass middle-aged adults openly mocking the efforts of a teenage queer person figuring things out at a confusing and painful time of life. These grown-ass middle-aged adults want to be seen as advocates and leaders in their respective sexual orientation and gender identity-based movements.

Truly marvelous. But that’s not even my favorite part.

My favorite part is when Jessica Cummings has some sort of an epiphany. Or maybe a stroke, I can’t tell. “I see all these trans women out there, and they know nothing about being a woman,” she notes, nodding mindlessly. “All they know is stereotypes!” she giggles coquettishly, bottle blonde head suddenly cocked provocatively to the side as her Valley Gurl accent intensifies.

Truly, truly marvelous.

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But what really makes this a brilliant piece of tragic comedy is how much the two just eat that shit up. I’m sure they’re all like, “that’ll show them newly minted queers!” as if they’re in on the joke. As if, as a heterosexual couple no matter how you slice the gender pie, they were somehow outside the crosshairs of her uneasy musings about the “heterosexual infiltration of the gay liberation movement”.

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At no point (that I saw) did they ever catch on. Marvelous.

thermidor11Clean your mouth out with soup. Um, ok bro.

This Is What “Gender Abolition” Looks Like.

31 Jul

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I’ve said it before and I say it again: if there was a movement that actually seemed earnestly devoted to the abolition of gender, you couldn’t possibly sign me up fast enough. That gender-crits reframe tolerance and respect for the existence and experience of trans individuals as somehow being “pro-gender” is ludicrous. I, for one, have absolutely zero devotion or loyalty or wish to advocate for the hierarchal structure of gendered social roles, expectations, and behaviors that degrade all women and see women like me as below garbage for somehow “eschewing” some sort of birthright by not being a heterosexual conforming man.

But in practice by it’s proponents, “Gender Abolition” is a buzzword, not unlike “War On Terror” or “War On Drugs”… an lofty claim with no clear plan and more often than not used as an excuse to rationalize shitty behavior they were gonna do anyway. You don’t even have to take my word for it, they’re perfectly capable of making their actual motivations clear.

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But then, this is the Gender Abolitionist/”gender critical” movement, the “radical” movement where lived experience is meaningless and all the “facts” are sourced from FOX News. Where sensible shoes will alleviate gender dysphoria and overthrow compulsive heteronormativity and toxic hegemonic masculinity forever.

Where literally the most homophobic organization in existence is considered “pro-woman” simply by virtue of their mutual hatred of trans women.

gendercrit15Thank god the TERFs are so willing to stand up for the poor, oppressed WBC

Where a “male-born” (their term, not mine) can joke about throwing a “female-born” (their term, not mine) person in a volcano (a form of human sacrifice that claimed the lives of hundreds of women), and it’s a-ok because the “female-born” person is trans.

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Where literally the only original commentary a supposedly “pro-woman” site had to the Eliot Rodger shootings was to make it all about trans women somehow.

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Where “TERF is a slur”, but “f*g” and “wh*re” not so much.

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Where sexualized violence and threats of disclosure against us are literally treated as a joke:

gendercrit24 gendercrit16

Where folks display a laughably disjointed historical perspective:

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Where pedophiles can be considered “pro-woman” somehow because of mutual hatred of trans women:

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Where the ideology and positions on gender transition and identity are functionally identical to that of the Southern Baptist Convention:

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Where they coyly claim that their stated desire to “mandate us out of existence” is simply a turn of phrase, and then openly discuss how they will literally mandate us out of existence:

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Where questioning the assumption that you are some sort of unnatural rape monster with interests inherently at odds with other sexual assault survivors, means your own status as a survivor is deliberately erased because you didn’t live up to their specifications:

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Speaking of detransition, I’ve already been there, and managed to snap out of it before it killed me. So, of course I should go back and do it again because you say so:

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Where they preach all day about this imaginary “pressure to transition” that gender-non-conforming gay folk experience from the trans community, when in reality the opposite happens:

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Where they supposedly speak for “every woman”, even the women that go out of their way to make it clear they don’t speak for them. Give it a rest, Whitney.

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Because ultimately what it comes down to is that You Are What They Say You Are:

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What If Elliot Rodger Was A Gay Dude? #MRAKills

30 May

Amongst the more outlandish of ideas going around about yet another mass killing (at least the second one of it’s type in the past five years, with at least one similar within the next 24 hours), Fox News decided to bring one of their psychological experts that blamed it on gay people. Because that seems to be the only thing Fox News psychological experts are able to blame for anything.

elliotrodger2

In an unsurprising show of solidarity, masculinist anti-trans hate site Gender Identity Watch (run by a failed writer for A Voice For Men), was tweeting all day about the killer possibly being/resembling a trans women. Because to a special kind of person, seeing a blatantly obvious racial/misogynist inspired tragedy is a perfect time to direct more vitriol towards a completely unrelated minority.

elliotrodger3elliotrodger4

It was their only related original content the day of the tragedy, other than some half-hearted reblogs that seemed to glorify the violence, and/or help distribute his videos/blogs messages. You’ll note I won’t be posting that asshole’s picture or linking to his blog, his “My Twisted World” manifesto, or his Youtube channel because fuck him.

This is all only slightly less absurd than claiming it was a conspiracy to discredit the Men’s Rights Movements or gun rights or whatever, but of course MRA assholes , washed up punk rockers and other assorted clowns are doing exactly that as well. But if you think about it, how much difference *does* it make if he had been gay? Unless you buy FOXNews/Gender Identity Watch’s archaic and long ago discredited notions that being gay or trans is rooted in deep-seated misogyny, not much actually. It’s not like gay men and gender-non-conforming folk don’t find themselves under the crushing pressure of toxic hegemonic masculinity and coercive heteronormativity. The shit certainly manifests in gay male relationships, I’ve seen it firsthand.

And it’s like, it’s no secret dude hated women. Like, loathed and resented them through the lens of his sad impotent desire. Better writers than I have spelled that shit out in detail. And it’s not like online echo chambers of mewling racist/misogynistic/homophobic shitheads hadn’t already driven creeps to commit mass killing just a month ago. I’ve mentioned on my blog a couple times already the similarities between far-right wing ideology, the Men’s Rights Movement, and white supremacy, and fuck I’m just getting started. But yeah, shithead creep finds similarly minded shithead creeps that warp his perception with their creepy viewpoints and terrible Matrix references (seriously, wtf is the deal with imagery from Wachowski sibling movies getting co-opted by the worst humanity has to offer?).

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Even flecks of human garbage that have the audacity to identify themselves as “incel” (involuntarily celibate) feel the need to simultaneously laud and distance themselves from Rodger’s particular brand of narcissistic entitlement. So like, there’s literally no question there was/is a culture out there willing to nurture this troubled kid into eventually acting out their collective hateful fantasies. I mean, by no means was he mentally stable, but keep in mind this was a kid from an impossibly rich family, who claimed he was seeing multiple therapists. I think it’s more about how society and psychology treats hypermasculine performativity, even hugely overcompensating, as synonymous with “high-functioning” in cases of mental illness than any ridiculous notion of him not getting the help he needed. If someone like that can’t “get the help they need”, we’re all fucking doomed.

But I have to wonder if there isn’t something even deeper than that, this sort of fundamental malfunction in the way society builds those designated at birth. Like, toxic masculinity is a great term for the result, but what particular limb of that great octopus of the patriarchy can we cut off so we’re not breeding more of people like this? These “artless, empathy-devoid, posturing obelisk in trousers and sensible shoes” I lamented the possibility of even so-called-“radical” society turning us all into. Alienated from self, alienated from romantic and sexual partners, barely present in their mule of a body, compulsively pursuing signifiers of achievement and pleasure without the capacity to enjoy or even recognize them. People who, at best, have to spend most of their adult lives unraveling the messages literally beat into them since childhood.

“You buy furniture. You tell yourself, this is the last sofa I will ever need in my life. Buy the sofa, then for a couple years you’re satisfied that no matter what goes wrong, at least you’ve got your sofa issue handled. Then the right set of dishes. Then the perfect bed. The drapes. The rug. Then you’re trapped in your lovely nest, and the things you used to own, now they own you.” – Chuck Palahniuk, Fight Club

Just this stony, but fragile thing, a statue of Ozymandius unto oneself. Unable to confide, unable to care, so puzzled by the idea of approaching others not as conquests or on the basis of what you can gain from them, but as just actually people.

Fuck that, and fuck the Red Pill. Hell, fuck the Blue Pill too, unless it contains at least 2 milligrams of estrogen.

Gender Will Be Abolished By Sensible Footwear. Somehow.

16 May

So about a month ago, I wrote a piece of dystopian fiction. And people flipped the fuck out, because apparently “No seriously guys, it’s satire” is meaningless when trans. It actually earned me my first appearance on the stalkery hate site Gender Identity Watch:

meongenderidentitywatchCome for violent misogyny, leave confusedly thinking GIW is full of shit.

But then, along the way, Sheila Jeffreys wrote a new book called Gender Hurts and proved me right. We’ll get to that in a second tho; let’s talk more about the book for a moment.

From what I can tell from reading it, “Gender Hurts” is a tale in which a cranky old white lady writes an extensive letter to the editor of a tabloid in the 1950s about the science-fiction rise of transsexualism. For some reason this counts as academia, because it’s easy money talking shit about tr*nnies.

The ultimate subtext of the book is that, ultimately, gender is trans women’s fault. All of it. Because naturally we’d conspire to create a world where our lives, loves, and deaths are consistent social punchlines. Where our most basic healthcare is highly misunderstood, expensive, and frequently kept away from us. Where attempting to come to terms with ourselves risks alienating everyone we care about. Sounds like a blast.

If trans women had half the power this loosely collected bundle of conspiracy theories claimed, transition would be as scandalous as body piercing. And funny thing about that…

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Seriously, the word “mutilation” is thrown around so much in this book that I’m pretty close to starting a movement to reclaim it. If my tattoos and piercings as well as my transition is supposedly tied to my previous self-harm ideation (which ceased almost immediately after I started HRT), I’m pretty well fucked because the rest of that isn’t going anywhere.

Not to mention, how corny and out of touch does all that sound? “OOOooooooh transsexualism is mutilation like body piercing!” ugh whatever grandma isn’t it time for your nap?

Anyway, let’s get to the part where she proves me right. Skimming down to the chapter on “Feminism And The End Of Gender”:

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You heard it here first. The end of gender, the pinnacle of the “gender-critical” movement, is comfortable shoes:

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And it’s like, what decade is this even from? Who doesn’t wear pants, except in the most formal of situations? Pretty much everyone wears pants, hell even I wear pants most of the time, and trans folks (like myself) have not ceased to exist. I mean, whatever, I wore a dress the other weekend, but it’s not the point of my transition. Like, how sad would that be? I’ve had no trouble wearing dresses in public since I was a gothy teenager.

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And again, this is the sort of thing that makes me critical of the “gender-critical” movement; it’s entire focus on stamping out all male gender-non-conformity and reifying masculine presentation as a social default. Their goal is to be the overbearing dad of Western Thought, telling us all to cut our hair and stop being sissies. Just render everyone an artless, empathy-devoid, posturing obelisk in trousers and sensible shoes in a world free of whimsy and decoration.

Fuck that.

Sheila Jeffries’ Book #GenderHurts, Re-Imagined As A Chick Tract.

7 May

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Gender Abolitionist Crotchless Pantsuit Mandate.

19 Apr

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(PLEASE NOTE: All photos in this article will be black and white, because bright colors could be considered feminine and thus a form of patriarchy somehow. Only a stoic, masculine, black and white palette is allowed, much like our rhetoric)

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Congratulations everyone. We’ve abolished gender. Lord even knows how we did it, considering how logically inconsistent the social platform of our movement is. Apparently it involved socially marginalizing every gender-non-conforming person with a penis until they conformed to masculine presentation or died, because that seems like damn near the only thing we agree on. Hell, most of the time that seems to be literally the only thing we care about. So I guess that’s what happened.

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Now that gender is over, the next task is to assign a wide swath of social expectations, roles, and personality traits onto individuals based on their genitalia. This is something completely different and better than gender because we say so. Everything will be genderless, and by genderless, we obviously mean masculine. Because after all, masculine isn’t a gender, it’s a social default. Somehow this enshrining and universalizing of masculinity is totally different from masculinism, because we say so.

genderpants3(I didn’t even photoshop this. This is what gender-crits actually believe.)

In this gender-free utopia we need a garment that is gender-neutral (meaning masculine), utilitarian, tasteful, and uniform. However, in lieu of our genital-essentialist basis for social class distinction, we need the ability to gauge at a glance where people stand. Obviously, the answer is crotchless pantsuits. These pantsuits are adorned with a chromosome-referencing label based entirely on genitalia and nothing else (not even chromosomes). Replacement garments can be claimed at the front office of every gender deprogramming center, where regular mandatory classes take place to re-educate away from concerns of gender and instead concerns based on assigning social expectations, roles, and assumed personality traits onto individuals based on their genitalia. This is different and better than gender because we say so.

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About That “250 Incidents Of Transgender Criminal Activity” Link Going Around Tumblr.

8 Apr

transplanet

PROTIP: This is not a trans woman.

transcrimez2Apparently this concept is difficult to grasp.

With that in mind, some of you may have already had this link of  “Over 250 Reported Incidents Of Transgender Criminal Activity” shoved in your face as supposed “proof” that trans women are as inclined (or even more so) to violent criminal activity than gender-conforming men. Pretty fucking daunting, right? TWO HUNDRED AND FIFTY CASES BROTHERS AND SISTERS.

It’s sobering and certainly makes you reconsider your ideology and…

I honestly wonder how many people even bothered to actually read it tho.

Sweet lord Satan I did, and if I had a genie I’d wish for those couple of hours of my life back. But here we are.

Before we get the article, how about a little background of it? Because I am nothing if not thorough. Near the bottom of the original Tumblr post, it sources out to a post on the WordPress blog called “Out Of My Panties Now!”.  The owner of the blog calls herself Panty Popo, a reference to her being the “Panty Police” (because white people using outdated AAVE is totally “radical” and not something your out-of-touch, casually racist dad does). She’s known for bringing this sort of progressive dialog to the table-

 

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Seriously, when even Roseanne Barr of all people steps aside and asks you to dial it back, you’re pretty far out there in the realm of anti-trans rhetoric.

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The ultimate premise of the blog “Out Of My Panties Now” is to encourage pathologizing and criminalizing all forms of feminine gender expression in males (hm, where have I seen this before).  You know, because “gender-critical” theory is the path to liberate gender-non-conforming individuals from patriarchal oppression by making everyone masculine. The whole point of the movement is to become Western civilization’s overbearing dad, demanding we all cut out hair and stop being such goddamn sissy faggots. Because that totally makes sense and isn’t just homophobic as fuck and, literately, masculinism.

transcrimez4

So now that we’ve got some background on the motivation for the post, let’s get to the post itself. Whew doggie. In a move that surprises literally noone, nearly every link is sourced from rabidly homophobic religious-right “news” source like FOX News, The Daily Mail, and Free Republic.

I mean Christ. Forget caring that most of them are “crossdressers” (in many ways the absolute loosest sense of the word) because amongst the people they are claiming are “trans women” was like 40 naked dudes wearing nothing but high heels, a dozen men in MALE THONG underwear, a dozen dudes in spandex, a guy in a toga, and A GUY WEARING A PURSE ON HIS HEAD.

transcrimez5

I like how, to the “gender critical” mindset, literally no one is a trans woman until they want to compile crime statistics and then suddenly LITERALLY EVERYONE IS A TRANS WOMAN.

I mean, if you honestly think there’s an army of butt-naked men in high heels politely waiting for the passing of trans-friendly legislation, and that fighting it is the most effective way to prevent their infiltration and defiling of sacred women’s bathroom space, well shit I don’t even know what to tell you.

In many of the links, the crossdressers were simply questioned by the police and released with no charges, and an awful lot of the links are about shoplifting, which is apparently a crime on the level of rape and assault because we’re all suddenly living under the Code Of Hammurabi or something.

Not to mention that many of those links are dead (probably from maleviolence I guess) and in a good dozen or so the transvestites and/or trans women were actually the *VICTIMS* of violent crimes and sexual assaults. But hey whatever’s clever right? Might as well villainize us for GETTING RAPED AND BEATEN.

For fuck’s sake, one of the crossdressers is in the list for DROWNING. I guess being born with a penis means you even drown in a maleviolently criminal manner, apparently.

I mean, I’m not an unreasonable person. Out of those 250 links there’s a pretty solid 30 or 40 (so 20% of the total, tops) of men with pretty blatant psychosexual disorders that surfaced as compulsive and fetishistic crossdressing, and maybe a dozen (and I’m being generous here) people that legitimately fall under the trans umbrella that committed some pretty heinous stuff. Certainly that could be enough to inspire a robust discussion of the issue of toxic, violent masculinity and the value of women’s space, right? But no, it has to be literally buried in garbage to become this unintentionally hilarious monolith to willfully-blind groupthink and knee-jerk mindless hatred.

You act like FOX NEWS, and I’ll take you as seriously as I do FOX NEWS.

She Should Have Been A Son.

6 Apr

So like, I was pretty sure I was gonna come out as gay when I was around 13…

beenason1TOTAL. FUCKIN. HOMO.

The clues were all there… I guess.

Honestly, I don’t know what the fuck I was except I seemed to be completely unlike “other boys”, and everyone seemed to be able to tell. I couldn’t seem to connect to boys my age on any level and instead found myself socializing around girls which found me this nonthreatening asexual presence. Yet I was also being palpably groomed towards appeasement and subservience to men and coded as a “faggot” deserving of violence and marginalization without resource for complaint. I was groomed to desire approval from and to appeal towards masculine idealizations. I remember the first time I’d watched Velvet Goldmine, and in that opening scene where child Jack Fairy is beat up and spreads the blood across his lips I remember actually thinking HOLY SHIT WHERE DID THEY FIND THIS FOOTAGE OF MY CHILDHOOD.

beenason2A pretty reasonable summary of my childhood.

All I knew, honestly, was that shit that “doesn’t happen to boys” happened to me on a pretty frequent basis.

I found no analogous “shared boyhood” experience to cling to when I was 10 and my male friend broke my nose when I told him he was cute and “reassured” me that he did so “for my own good” to remind me “I’m not allowed” to say such things. Was it just typical “male socialization” when I was 13 and it became a running gag/twisted bonding experience between members of the football team to grope my ass and whistle at me and then threaten to beat me up if I complained? When I spent a night at a friend’s house, 30 miles from my home, and he goaded me into drinking vodka and casually got naked in front of me suggesting we “wrestle”, I’d had no preparation or warning or understanding to work off of.

I learned pretty quick that the same boys in the schoolyard breaking my face open and the boys in the back of the bus goading me to give them handjobs were usually the same. And that somehow that made them heterosexual, and me not. My pre-teen years were spent getting a first-hand custom education that what most people understand about gender and sexuality is 100% bullshit, but not in the way everyone tells you it’s bullshit. More like in the straight women creating gay porn way that everything most people understand about gender and sexuality is bullshit.

…and this is aside of my well-trod-out stories of hundreds of pre-teen nights staying up after my family went to bed to play with makeup, calling myself “Rachel” in the mirror. Mornings after when my dad would yell at me for any detected trace of glitter or color on my face, speculating out loud (and loudly) how many cocks his “son” must be already sucking before “he’d” even made it into high school…

So anyway I was a big old homo and I was pretty sure I was just gonna start admitting it to myself and others and then my parents had to up and divorce. I mean, the divorce was needed and an excellent idea, but it put a serious kibosh on my plans to come out. My parents relationship had been rapidly disintegrating for a while, but had accelerated after the suicide of my uncle Jim, an event that fucked pretty much all of us up, including myself.

beenason3One of entirely too few photos I have of my uncle and I.

So anyway my parents split up and it was traumatic and whatever, you know, the typical child of the 90s story. That legendary divorce is such a bore. What it meant to me was that we were relocating from Briggs, Texas to Copperas Cove, Texas, a place where there were people my age that I could feasibly, you know, hang out with and potentially have a normal childhood friendship with. I was 14 at the time and had no idea what that was like and, honestly, I was terrified. I couldn’t imagine anyone wanting to be my friend if I was gay, so that got buried. Between repressing that and my socialized fear of masculinity, I found myself drawn to and embracing bonehead white trash heavy metal music and lifestyle (of which, thankfully, no photos survive).

placesivecalledhome5The duplex we lived in when we first moved to Copperas Cove in 1991.

Amongst all the knuckle-dragging meathead metal I’d immersed myself in at the time, something else had broken through that fall of 1991. One evening after school I’d caught the near-inescapable video for Smells Like Teen Spirit and I was enthralled. I just didn’t even know how to comprehend what I’d seen except that I’d suddenly become obsessed. I wound up scraping the cash together for the single on cassette, and then a few weeks later the album, and studied the artwork and scrutinized the lyrics and just tried to absorb everything I could out of it. For years afterwards I hunted down interviews and tracked down bootlegs to gain a more cohesive understanding of Kurt’s oeuvre.

beenason4

But I’m getting ahead of myself. Let’s get down to brass tacks: here was a scrawny cat with a big nose and a cleft chin with a feminine gender expression, an obsession with anatomical models and other weird antiques, and an obvious chip on his shoulder about toxic masculinity. It was like looking in a mirror or running into the future version of myself or something. I was 15 or so when I first read that legendary statement tucked away in the liner notes to Incesticide:

At this point I have a request for our fans.  If any of you in any way hate homosexuals, people of different color, or women, please do this one favor for us — leave us the fuck alone!  Don’t come to our shows and don’t buy our records.

I remember thinking wow this is like the opposite of what it’s ok to say these days and filed it away in a place in my brain similar to the place under my bed where I stashed my gay porn. Someplace personal and private until I worked up the courage to address and admit to myself. I find myself periodically reminded of the role Nirvana played in sparing me from white trash induced mediocrity and self-repression. By the time I was 17 and in colllege away from small-town and family pressure I’d moved well past being that weird kid that was painting his nails coral and writing sharpie slogans and had come out as bisexual and began to cross-dress and wear makeup publicly in increasing frequency…

18yearoldmeMe at Lubbock punk rock club Einstein’s in 1995.

…but then we’re starting to get into a whole other story.