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Check Out Illuminati @MarkDice Conspiracy Theorists Lose Their Shit Over A Bag Of Chips.

20 Sep

gaydoritos0

DISCLAIMER: So, like, it’s pretty well known I’m one of the “bad”, “angry” queers or whatever. My politics align pretty close to the Gay Shame movement. I’m not thrilled by the cultural focus on gay marriage at the expense of other community concerns. I’m not a fan of Dan Savage, I don’t think the It’s Getter Project is as effective as it could be, and I get nauseous at tacky corporate sponsorships. Macklemore? I’d sincerely rather you Mackle-less please. But once a homophobe gets offended and starts pissing and moaning about the “homosexual agenda”, you better believe I’m gonna talk about all of those things like they are the second coming of Christ. With that in mind, It appears Doritos has a design promoting the gay agenda.

gaydoritos1No, not this one, but close enough.

Anyway, why has nobody ever pointed out Mark Dice to me before? Apparently a couple years ago he prayed God to murder Lil Wayne because his music contains “gay sex satanic rituals”, which honestly makes me wish I listened to more Lil Wayne. Apparently he picks fights with Alex Jones and David Icke as well, which is exactly the kind of inter-community conspiracy theorist drama I’d love to see. Right now he’s ugly sobbing all over his Facebook page about a limited edition (as of now, completely sold out) bag of Rainbow Doritos offered with a $10 donation to the It Gets Better project like it was gonna show up at whatever new age grocery he picks up his crystal-infused non-GMO Illuminati Mind Control-free woo food:

gaydoritos2gaydoritos3

The comments, as could be expected, are hilarious:

gaydoritos5Admittedly, I have a perverse definition of “hilarious”

gaydoritos4^Adding this shit to my Amazon wishlist.

gaydoritos6
I kind of want to have hella queer sex with this dude.

And then things get weird. Like, SENPAI NOTICE ME I HAVE MY OWN RIDICULOUS THEORY OF MY OWN sort of weird. A lot of this stuff goes back to GMOs somehow being the source of transgender identity or whatever and demon posession.

gaydoritos7gaydoritos8

As mentioned above, the chips themselves are sold out, so I guess Gayluminati business returns to normal, right? I’ve gotten a little behind in the newsletters.

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Wish I’d Known @Pink’s Music Converts You To Satan Years Ago, Because That Is Fabulous.

23 Aug

pink celebrity satanism

So, like, whenever I mention a celebrity or public figure on this blog, I’m usually eviscerating the shit out of them. And I’m particularly merciless against socially tone deaf alt musicians and pop singers. But I don’t know, I just always loved P!nk, even if some of the awkwardly shoehorned animal rights imagery in her videos seems a bit overboard.

pink celebrity satanismLike goddamn, dial it back a notch Immortan Joe.

But yeah, P!nk reminds me of ladies I used to smoke cigarettes with in high school and who wound up showing up at my drag shows a couple years later. She grew up with asthma, like I did, and she’s a child of divorce, also like myself. She also just has this “rowdy hard-partying fag hag” vibe I have a ridiculous soft spot for. So yeah my boyfriend at the time (yes that one) and I were really obsessed with Missundaztood-era P!nk.

pink celebrity satanismAlthough, is it proper to wear Satanic floor patterns after Labor Day?

 So anyway, I bring this up because this recent article of things-that-never-happened-dot-jpeg titled:

Former Satanist: “I Performed Satanic Rituals Inside Abortion Clinics”

fuckin sure you did, buddy

The article features the further “confessions” of “Former Satanic High Wizard (a position that does not exist*)” and gross white dude dreadlock-haver Zachary King who surprise surprise is writing a dumb book called “Abortion Is A Satanic Sacrifice“. Surely it’s going to be a reasoned book that looks at all the complex facets of this controversial social issue.

pink celebrity satanism(pic unrelated)

Alongside the title shenanigans, a lot of hilaribad spoopy claims are made. He claims to have broken every commandment by age 15, which honestly isn’t that impressive anyway except the adultery and murder part. And if dude is trying to get his shit together, why did he never turn himself in and serve time for said murder? There isn’t a statute of limitations on that, and it’s possible someone innocent was charged. You know, if it wasn’t transparent Grade A horseshit. Anyway, even tho in earlier interviews he claims that Kid Rock’s “Bawitdaba” was a legit magic spell (which is so hilariously stupid I wish he’d elaborate), he seems currently set on Pink’s “Like A Pill” video luring impressionable kids to Satanism. Sounds like grandpa is trying to update his references, while still being a decade behind the times.

pink celebrity satanismSeriously dude, cut that turd of a “dreadlock” off and I could
conceivably call you “daddy” – if you catch my drift.

* And yes I know that there are other denominations of Satanism besides LaVey’s Church Of Satan. Seriously, I get it. But like, dude claims to have been a member of a high-ranking member of a “big, world wide cult” and the Church Of Satan is the only one that really fits that bill. Not that it makes a difference, everyone knows Satan worshippers (myself included) are chubby peacenik dweebs in real life. And I’d be willing to bet money the reason that “wizard” is “doing a spell” in that P!nk video is because the director thinks it looks neat.

pink celebrity satanismSeriously, that was pretty cool.

And honestly, the idea of a Satanic New World Order is a fairly transparent smokescreen for a religion that has been the rallying point/justification for European colonization, slavery, white supremacy, establishment of the gender binary, homophobia and, like… just about all of society’s ills, which still remain and deserve to be challenged on their own merits. I think a few upside down crosses and “baphomet hand signals” are the least of everyone’s worries.

pink celebrity satanism

Transluminati Witches And Beyonce Killed Joan Rivers For Saying “Tranny” Or Something.

18 Sep

joanrivers1

transplanetjoanrivers2Countdown til someone steals this pic for their Youtube Witch House Playlist.

Shortly after Joan Rivers passed away, the conspiracy sphere pretty much erupted into ridiculous theories about her death, as they do. A lot of it centers around a dude with the unfortunate Youtube handle of ZippyThe Pinheadj (guess a-i was taken) who “prophesied” her death with a story that is as convincing as his comb-over.

joanrivers3“I predict an elderly woman with health problems will die soon. Eerie, right?”

Alex Jones weighed in, but sort of danced around the issue, so in this case we’re looking at Revelation Now. They claim her death was Occult retribution for calling Michelle Obama a “tranny”, a crime so horrible it took over a month for these imagined Transluminati Witches to do anything about it.

To be serious for a moment, there are too many things wrong with the statement Rivers made (and folks like Alex Jones repeated) to even count without even getting to the word “tranny”. It reinforces a lot of the negative ways white people sexualize black bodies (and especially black women’s bodies, constantly robbing them of their femininity). It reinforces how entitled folks feel to define other’s sexual orientations. It directly correlates transgender identity as inherently fraudulent.

But no, the “pro-tranny” crowd thinks that politically correct folks that are bothered with the term can cast killing spells. Because something about a “Baphomet Hand Gesture”, whatever that is.

joanrivers4Something like this, I guess.

Speaking of Baphomet (something I love to do), another side claims that Beyonce was behind the occult killing, because the death of an elderly woman makes an awesome 33rd birthday gift (I’m pretty sure I bought an ounce of shrooms for mine, tbqh). But in any case I wound up stumbling across “Baphomet Beyonce” in Google Image Search, which is now my favorite thing ever. So I’m just gonna post images from that now.

joanrivers5joanrivers6joanrivers7joanrivers8

Transphobic Congressional Wikipedia Vandal Also Obsessed With Alex Jones And Choco Tacos

11 Sep

transplanetchocotaco1This message not necessarily endorsed by Choco Taco Jesus.

Over the summer, anonymous accounts with IP addresses traced to the U.S. House Of Representatives have been vandalizing Wikipedia pages. Apparently this has been an issue for a while, according to this statement from Wikipedia itself on the subject in 2009. It’s reached a point where Wikipedia once again had to block Cogressional IPs from posting.

This in and of itself is so Crazytown it’s singing awful rap metal about butterflies, but it gets weirder.

See, most of the vandalism as of late has been regarding transgender related articles. And some of it sounds strangely… focused. Arguments about phrasing on articles about Chelsea Manning and Laverne Cox and the show Orange Is The New Black make sense because they are high-profile mainstream topics. But like, how many people that aren’t trans women or people that are deliberately antagonistic towards trans women even know what Camp Trans is? There was also some calculated attempts to insert misleading and false links between gender dysphoria and body dysmorphic disorder (a particular pet peeve of mine), insistence on referencing that godawful Gavin McInnes article everywhere, as well as complete gibberish about “species disorder” which is pretty much par for the course from the kind of folks that think Gender Hurts makes some good points.

transgenderism1No, it really doesn’t.

And yet it gets weirder.

The spree of vandalism came to a head with the anonymous Congressional staffer insisting they were there on “official business” of an unnamed Representative. They insisted the necessity of their mission to counter support for ENDA and rabid conspiracy theories about “the EU using neocolonialist methods to impose transgenderism on the nation of Georgia” (an obvious reference to response to a Georgia prison’s refusal of access of healthcare to a trans woman inmate). Thankfully they were finally just banned.

chocotaco2In the snarkiest fucking way possible.

But like, besides the “gender critical” stuff, the address contributed to all sorts of right-wing conspiracy crank stuff: Skull And Bones Society, Black Helicopters, UFO sightingsJFK assassination, Bohemian Grove, Alex Jones, David Icke, ad nauseum as well as absurd non-sequitor stuff about Bon Jovi and Choco Tacos. And like, I’m the last person to be all like “why are my tax dollars going to this”, but why exactly are my tax dollars going to this?

I mean shit, I can’t even log on Facebook at work without getting fired and some rabid conspiracy crank TERF hopped up on Choco Tacos thinks they can take over Wikipedia?

DO. YOUR. ACTUAL. FUCKING. JOB.

Board Games, MRAs, David Icke and the Transluminati.

26 Jan

transplanettransluminati1

So in just a moment we will be discussing one of my favorite internet forum threads ever, but first lets talk about a terrible board game. Let’s take a moment to watch the corniest white people in the world play and pretend to enjoy it:

Basically, the whole point of Scruples is to out your friends as the morally-inferior weaselly dirtbags they are. You have cards with moral dilemmas and a card with a yes, no, or maybe response. You pick the friend that is most likely to give the reply on your card. So… which one of your friends is most likely to pick up a lost wallet and not try to find the owner? Which one takes the money from the Nielson people without filling out the survey?

How much fun does that sound? None?

So it turns out that the creator of said game, Henry Makow, is a hardcore homophobic, anti-Semitic men’s rights activist conspiracy theorist, and boy is he way out there.  The logic of his now defunct “Save The Males” MRA site goes something like this:  1) Gay men have sex with each other because they hate women 2) Feminists hate men and want to destroy them all 3) Since both hate heterosexuality (naturally), they’ve joined forces to create porn to poison the spirits of manly men. And you can bet your sweet bippie that he has some rambling jackass opinion on where trans women use the restroom.

transluminati2That fedora is permanently attached to his head.

Of course this all makes sense because the Illuminati.

Which brings us to this amazing 380 post thread from the David Icke forums on Freemasonry’s Hidden Transgender Agenda. Only four posts in folks are claiming the Illuminati’s ultimate goal is “ to confuse humanity and subject them to a transgender master race” which frankly would be AWESOME (sorry cis folks).

Further highlights:

The bombing of Hiroshima was part of the Trans-Gay Agenda because Enola is Alone spelled backwards and the names of the bombs imply a pregnant man.

A reminder to myself to struggle through this dreadfully boring video to see if there’s anything that would make cool samples:

Trans women are a part of a Jewish Conspiracy to make cishet white dudes confused and feel guilty.

Obligatory Holocaust Denier post because this is the David Icke forums.

I AM THE TRUEST TRANS THERE CAN BE ONLY ONE.

The truth behind Barack Obama’s birth certificate is that he was born a woman.

So like, I’m a transsexual/transgender whatever and I find this whole speech laughable. Fuck your right-wing HBS BS.

Seriously, trans separatists are just so fucking awful.

…they want you to mate with negroes and produce hybrid slaves for the Jews

The Illuminati are known masters of forum thread-jacking.

transluminati3

Apart from false-flag 9-11, nothing better demonstrates society Illuminati subversion than their attempt to make us behave like homosexuals.”

SASS

Biochemically engineered gay and trans folks to dilute real men for the Androgeny Agenda.

Okay this person GETS IT.

Obligatory post of someone doing a Google Image Search for “Gay Pride” to make some stupid point (surprised it took this long to show up).

SASS

The “gay voice” is created from too much TV and microchips.

Gay jeans and CIA planted counterfeit lesbians.

“Conspiracy nuts” is a slur.

A symbolic deconstruction of the Michael Jackson album Dangerous for some reason.

SASS

And then, sadly, the thread drifts off and ends.

 

This Website Is Called Total Fascism. Where Do I Even Start.

23 Jan

transplanet

(Trigger Warning: Neo-Nazi fuckery all over the place).

So earlier this week some friends/fellow members of the elite race traitor Transqueerluminati were discussing far right wing sites and bloggers that drift so far out that they’re almost funny (when you desperately try to forget the truly awful people that agree with them).

At one point someone mentioned a gathering where someone had done an absurd dramatic reading of this piece of happy horseshit, I mean critique of anarcho-capitalism. Now, I’m no fan of anarcho-capitalism (or capitalism) or Ayn Rand or objectivism by even the remotest stretch of the imagination, but nowhere in my critique would you find me accusing it of being a “Jewish Conspiracy” (which I’ll go into more detail momentarily).

Most laughably, he claims AnCaps are universally pro LGBT rights (has he even MET any AnCaps? Jesus fuck.)

freedomLemme just break this whole image down; one that is unsurprisingly similar to image diptychs you’ll see all across the social conservative spectrum.  On the surface it’s a pretty typical social conservative “I did a Google Image Search for ‘gay pride’ to distinguish from socially respectable people”  piece of tired-ass crap. They dig up a picture of a colorful (usually DMAB) person and hold it in everyone’s faces all like THIS IS WHAT YOU SUPPORT THIS IS THE FUTURE BE TERRIFIED. And anyone with any sort of sense is like… what? That’s not scary at all, that person seems fun and probably takes themselves a lot less seriously than you do, grow the fuck up. Frankly I find the creepy Teutonic sepia-tone pic of the homogenized milk-white family shadowed with their patriarchal Reichsadler Eagle overlord way the fuck more terrifying.

totalfascism4Seriously, this website is stocked with paintings of hideous dead-eyed Aryans.

You may notice for this article I’m gonna be focusing more on the dude’s homophobia than his racism. Mostly because the dude is Neo-Nazi trash, of fucking course he’s racist. There really isn’t anything in particular to point out and deconstruct, the whole site is operated on the assumption that everyone is at least as racist as he is. What is there to deconstruct about a dude that can say with no sense of irony that comparing POC to monkeys is a perfectly reasonable conclusion and seems surprised it is controversial.

That said, from here on out whenever a white person makes up an imaginary African name and pretends to speak in AAVE, or whenever I hear a white person dismiss cultural appropriation, this article is what will immediately come to mind.

But then, whenever I see someone argue that parents being supportive of their trans* children is abuse, I’ll be thinking of this article. TERFs, MRAs, religious right, Nazi assclowns, it’s all the exact same white heteronormative patriarchy to me.

And like, sure people like this dude think everything is a “Jewish Conspiracy”, but this dude think’s EVERYTHING is a “Jewish Conspiracy”. He thinks feminism is a Jewish Conspiracy. He thinks transgender kids are a Jewish Conspiracy. He thinks criticism of gay conversion therapy is a Jewish ConspiracyHe thinks cursing is a Jewish Conspiracy. He even thinks Alex Jones is a Jewish Conspiracy.

totalfascism3

Ah, I guess obesity is also a “Jewish Conspiracy” too. He also uses the phrase “emotion-based” so often on his site I’m pretty sure he believes emotions are a “Jewish Conspiracy” as well.

And like, I personally think Alex Jones is a joke and have no qualms mocking him and his fans relentlessly. But when I hear a Neo-Nazi sob incoherently about how hurt he is by Jones saying mean things about Hitler, I’m like “Fuck. Yes.”.

Because Nazis and other anti-semites are barely human trash and I want them to cry more.