Wound up stumbling across this awesome playlist of packed 80s dance clubs. And just wow. Some of them take a few watches just to try to catch everything going on. Seems like a lot of the places were New Wave-centric, because the crowd seems more goth/punk than one would expect. A lot of gangly guys in eyeliner and oversized jackets doing lopsided Napoleon Dynamite dances, a lot of regrettable hairstyles, but also some really amazing style… and some seriously hawt mohawk action going on.
(PLEASE NOTE: All photos in this article will be black and white, because bright colors could be considered feminine and thus a form of patriarchy somehow. Only a stoic, masculine, black and white palette is allowed, much like our rhetoric)
Congratulations everyone. We’ve abolished gender. Lord even knows how we did it, considering how logically inconsistent the social platform of our movement is. Apparently it involved socially marginalizing every gender-non-conforming person with a penis until they conformed to masculine presentation or died, because that seems like damn near the only thing we agree on. Hell, most of the time that seems to be literally the only thing we care about. So I guess that’s what happened.
Now that gender is over, the next task is to assign a wide swath of social expectations, roles, and personality traits onto individuals based on their genitalia. This is something completely different and better than gender because we say so. Everything will be genderless, and by genderless, we obviously mean masculine. Because after all, masculine isn’t a gender, it’s a social default. Somehow this enshrining and universalizing of masculinity is totally different from masculinism, because we say so.
(I didn’t even photoshop this. This is what gender-crits actually believe.)
In this gender-free utopia we need a garment that is gender-neutral (meaning masculine), utilitarian, tasteful, and uniform. However, in lieu of our genital-essentialist basis for social class distinction, we need the ability to gauge at a glance where people stand. Obviously, the answer is crotchless pantsuits. These pantsuits are adorned with a chromosome-referencing label based entirely on genitalia and nothing else (not even chromosomes). Replacement garments can be claimed at the front office of every gender deprogramming center, where regular mandatory classes take place to re-educate away from concerns of gender and instead concerns based on assigning social expectations, roles, and assumed personality traits onto individuals based on their genitalia. This is different and better than gender because we say so.
GUUUUUURRRRRRRLLLLL (no, I didn’t buy them, but considered it)
Last weekend I had more than a bit of an anxiety attack over the fact that one of the two pairs of pants I arrived to the Pacific North West with was starting to wear out in the crotch.
I’m nothing if not pragmatic.
So I finally had a chance to make it out to a local thrift store, and after a bit of humoring the idea of taking home some godawfully hideous stuffed animals-
I finally got to the task at hand.
If wonder if people ever know what an ordeal it is doing breathing exercises and centering meditation and whatever to get over anxiety of getting publicly called out as “the tr*nny in the thrift store women’s section” or whatever. Weathering looks of pity and disgust as you hopelessly navigate the needlessly esoteric sizing guidelines of women’s pants. Store staff becoming suddenly *very* interested in you and whether or not you need help, eyeing you in an eerily similar way to the way they’d watch a shoplifter. Feeling this ominous suffocating cloud drift down when you enter the aisle, anticipating that moment when someone finally vocalizes that JESUS SAYS YOU DON’T BELONG HERE.
And then after 10 minutes of hyperventilating, you find yourself so lightheaded you are physically incapable of giving a fuck. Perfect mood for shopping.
So then, loaded with entirely too many pants and too many cute shoes and accessories, you go to try them on. The dressing room is an epic novella of tragedies and triumphs.
Because I look like someone who’s opinions on clothes you should take seriously. Obviously.
In hindsight, I maybe should have included some shots of the hilariously awful, poorly fitting things I’d found, but screw that I wanna show you a few things that look cute. Like first of all, I now have a hat that matches the scarf I wore into the place. I’m one of *those* people now.
Yes I’m wearing a hat from a thrift store. Shut up.
So like, is houndstooth becoming a thing again? I’m seeing it *everywhere* and I kind of seriously love it. One of my favorite dresses has a similar pattern.
But anyway yeah, I found some pants, and how. I found several amazing pairs, ad no longer have to worry about having nothing to wear if a pair wears out. But, I’m actually super stoked about this pair:
Seriously, I just actually found a pair of the same kind of pants I always drew Agenesia from Why I’m Not An Artist wearing, and oh my glob they are the actual best thing. They’re super comfy, hug my hips perfectly and have the perfect amount of flare at the end of the leg. I want to be buried in these pants.
All in all, I wound up spending more than I probably should have, but omg everything was half-price so at least value or something?
Who am I kidding I am the actual worst at money, but at least the pants crisis was averted.
Well, technically, according to Buzzfeed it’s the 36th worst thing on the internet from last year, but it’s still pretty terrible. Basically Poe’s Law come to life in jaunty hat form, it’s an actual, totally, for-real My Little Pony Fedora.
Apparently the hat’s original creator has decided to cash in on his semi-anonymous fame and is now offering the hat for sale on eBay. The auction itself walks a fine line between being humorously self-aware and awkwardly defensive. Honestly, the funniest part about it is the $20 opening bid, because holy shit dude are you for real. Actually that’s not fair, cause the part about the $2000 Buy-It-Now in reference to this:
…is also kind of clever, too.
Anyway, if you really want the hideous thing for yourself there’s several days left on this lonely auction.
Be a part of internet history!
Or, preferably, spend that same amount of money ordering pizza.
I’m really hating winter out here in Portland. I hardly ever leave the house (even more hardly ever than I’m already prone to) because the outdoors are just too inhospitable for this born and raised Texas girl. I can’t wait for it to warm up again so I can explore. I did a little bit of it when I first got here, checking out downtown Gresham to check out small-town thrift stores as I do. And that’s where I stumbled across the antique store All Things Beautiful.
Definitely the place to go if you love frilly things and lacey things. So much pretty.
So, like, at first I found this hilarious, and then it made me angry, and now it’s hilarious again.
The misguided anger was when I thought this was a piece they were mass-producing, and we’ll get to while it bothered me in a bit. But it turns out this piece is fro an online feature they have called Urban Renewal Vintage and holy shit, I thought certain vintage storefronts in meatspace were overpriced and way too full of themselves.
I mean, it’s none of my concern when rich people willfully line up to be ripped off and spend the money I spend on rent on worthless crap to feel “edgy” or whatever. And if some dork wants to lay down $375 (holy shit really?) on a jacket that will get him beat up if he wears it in public, well I hope to see a video of him sobbing on Youtube.
But this jacket is a work of near-artful levels of NOPE-ness to a point where I cannot let it be. Let’s start with the product description:
“Crazy awesome vintage moto leather jacket from the 1990s. Topped with hand-painted punk logos at like Sex Pistols and Crass. Excellent vintage condition. We only have one, so get it or regret it!”
Setting aside figuring out what the exact fuck “excellent vintage condition” means, and the fact that whoever created this thing probably regrets it’s existence, what we already see is that it’s a jacket from the 1990s with a bunch of poorly rendered logos of bands from the 1970s. That’s pretty lol enough but let’s really get into how awful these logos are.
Do we want to even get into the reasons having CRASS and The Clash on the same jacket is pretty absurd? I mean, sheesh.
And I guess I hadn’t mentioned yet that it has built-in shoulderpads, but jfc it has built-in shoulderpads.
And yes it apparently comes with buttons already pinned on, with “rockin” slogans like “I’ve Got A Dirty Mind” and some sort of half-assed anarchy yin yang (what?). The piece de resistance, however is the recommended follow-up purchases:
If you need any more proof than the above that punk is dead, I honestly don’t know what to say.
Rani Baker Digs You. 