So, Like, What The Fuck, Coloring Book From My Childhood?

18 Aug

When I was a kid, I used to have this huge coloring/activity book with an elephant on the cover. It had connect-the-dots and word puzzles, and of course pictures to color. Most of them were nursery rhyme or holiday based, or had some sort of lesson involved. Then, about 3/4 of the way through it, you’re confronted with this ugly motherfucker out of nowhere:

monsters1Just no. Oh my fucking God no.

For something that doesn’t have a visible penis, the look on it’s face gives the impression that it would very much like to show you one.  It’s like some creepy Vulcan harassment spider, and it needs to be on a sex offender registry, not in a kid’s book.

Go fuck yourself, Willowy Walkathon.

monsters2
Every part this dude is designed to slap that smiling face right into that tree,
and frankly that can’t come soon enough.

Seriously; there is literally every possible way that moments after this picture takes place something fatal will happen to this horrible thing. Either snapping those impossible twig legs, or colliding face first into tree bark. There is no evolutionary advantage to swinging around via a prehensile appendage on the top of your head.

monsters3
NOPE

Just nope.

monsters4

A lot of these creatures seem to only have hands in order to not have any clue what the fuck to do with them. Get a job, douchebag. Get a hobby or something. You look stupid.

monsters5

Oh for fuck’s sake.

monsters6

Looking at this jerk makes me feel kinda bad about insinuating that Willowy Walkathon was a sexual deviant. AND WHAT THE FUCK IS WRONG WITH ITS HEAD. I think I’m gonna be having flashbacks to childhood nightmares after posting this.

monsters7
With a build like that you better be gentle, Sailor.

I think when it comes down to it, the eyes on these things really push them all into uncanny valley territory. Maybe it’s the distinctly adult features on creatures that are intended to be whimsical. Either way, these things scared the shit out of me as a kid.

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